Stop Asking Kids What They Want To Be – Start Asking Who They Are
Bhavya Tandon
Child Psychologist and Behaviour Consultant
Almost everyone has either asked or been asked about their future professions when they grow up. Although it’s a question coming from a place of love, hope and curiosity in order to encourage inspiration, it places unintentional pressures on the child to already have answers for the future. The child barely knows who they are as a person and is still figuring out their likes and their dislikes, so the question in reality backfires.
The Problem
When we ask children what they want to be, we unknowingly place emphasis on the “be”. In essence, we expect answers in the forms of various professions, such as doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc. While seeming harmless, children interpret this as achieving something or becoming someone to be worthy. They question their worthiness and how sufficient they are by just being them. Our focus on their future careers creates a direct relation with worth and career by this question.
Eventually this poses a range of other concerns over time. The child feels lost or disoriented if they change their answers too frequently. If they don’t have a clear answer, the child feels insecure and stresses about the future. They can even stop indulging in their hobbies and passions that seem different from their answers. This creates a block in their imagination and creativity, as their natural direction or talent is either not discovered or simply closed. They would tend to only pursue interests that are deemed “successful” and shut down their exploration and curiosity for things. They begin to seek external validation as their internal compass is unstable now.
Reframing the Question
Instead of leaving them in a confusing maze of questions and feelings they weren’t prepared for, we can ask something that promotes curiosity and self-awareness and encourages a personal journey of the self. “Who are you?” makes the child pause and think on a personality level that validates the present rather than instilling a search for a future where contentment and inner peace might never be achieved.
Other questions instilling similar positive reflections could be asking them about their enjoyments currently, things that they are proud of about themselves, when or doing what brings them closest to themselves, what makes them curious these days, etc. Such questions don’t glorify an uncertain future but create a push in the direction where they can further discover their own talents.
Letting Identity Lead
When we ask about a future that the child is yet to think of, we display a relationship of their identity with their school and ultimately career plans which would eventually make them feel worthy. At their age it could start as small as identifying themselves primarily with their classes and age.
Let’s take a case, for example – a 10-year-old child, Susan, is a thoughtful and expressive child who loved writing, singing and painting and was always keen to help her classmates feel at ease. However, everyone around her kept asking her if she’d be a lawyer like her father; she slowly began to downplay her creativity, thinking it wasn’t relevant anymore and assuming it wasn’t enough.
The pattern continued until her school counsellor asked her what made her most alive and content, and she spoke openly and animatedly about how much she adored storytelling, painting and being with others. With the counsellor’s supervision, she began to accept that part of her openly and as her identity and her confidence came back. Susan can still explore many career interests, but she’s rooted now and understands who she is and what brings her best side out. This foundational structure and her roots would serve her much longer than uncertain futures.
Why This Matters
In a world where everything is fast-changing, technology advancements are making every job convenient and people replaceable; our authenticity, innovativeness and the creativity to go beyond the expected are the need. Therefore, both parents and educational institutions should place emphasis on the child’s emotional intelligence, self-awareness and resilience above all. Research also suggests that working diligently on self-awareness helps kids to develop stronger
relationships, manage their emotions and make responsible decisions (CASEL, 2020). Also, according to Dr Kenneth Ginsburg (2007), true magic begins when children are pushed to explore their inner world.
Practical Ways Forward
Parents can do myriad things to break this chain.
1. Move beyond career-focused questions. Let your child figure out who they are – everything else will fall into place.
2. Celebrate your child’s interest too. Not everything is about achievement. They want to be celebrated for their likes too.
3. Highlight your child’s qualities, not roles. Appreciate their thoughtfulness or caring nature. E.g. – “I love how caring you are” instead of “You’re great at thinking differently”. The latter can feel like a job they have to do or the pressure to continue it. Such changes build lasting effects on them.
4. Give them space for reflection. This could mean anything to anyone – from writing, singing, and dancing to simply having quiet discussions.
Conclusion
As parents, we must understand that children explore their identities by taking our opinions and words very seriously. It’s not a clean slate but our own words and affirmations drawn on them from the beginning. Our conscious efforts can help them skip a lifelong task of erasing the slate, i.e., how they view themselves through our perceived lens or simply starting right. Our questions should not be repeatedly on productivity and achievements but on being curious about how they see the world. What is their own lens telling them? Because being their own version is far better than not knowing it at all.
References
CASEL. (2020). Core SEL Competencies. Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning. https://casel.org/fundamentals-of-sel/what-is-the-casel-framework/
Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics, 119(1), 182–191.https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2006-2697