How Some Punishment Methods Breed Adult Dysfunction and Conflict

Bhavya Tandon

Child Psychologist and Behaviour Consultant

We often hear or even see parents giving harsh punishments to children for mistakes that can be deemed trivial, be it their tantrums or misbehaviour. This can get the job done, but it raises crucial concerns. Did they whip or scold them into following their word with no argument, or did they instill any understanding on the matter? This results in children becoming fearful and comprehending love as conditional. Parents unintentionally breed disciplinarians with no or negligible tolerance to conflict who are almost alien to unconditional love. Similarly, research suggests that strict disciplinary practices can lead to long-term effects on emotional suppression, dysfunctional behaviours and strained adult relationships (WHO, 2021).

Punishments were usually understood as physical reprimanding by authority figures. Sometimes parents also withhold affection by holding a grudge for the child’s misdemeanour. The common belief behind this is maybe to inculcate respect and discipline, and this would make them stronger, but it can lead to adverse developmental issues (WHO, 2021).

Psychological and Neurological Impact

According to Siegel & Bryson (2011), heightened levels of cortisol were found in people exposed to chronic fear and stress in childhood, leading to impairment in the development of their prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for attention and decision-making ability. Children can also interpret repeated scoldings as rejection and have an emotional shutdown. Experts explain that adverse childhood experiences can lead to lasting health issues mentally, emotionally and even physically (Burke Harris, 2014). Moreover, Dr Gabor Maté emphasizes how such trauma can lead to repression of emotions and its psychological implications in later life (Maté, 2023). For instance, a 12 year old boy who frequently hears that he always does things wrong may eventually struggle to make decisions in adolescence, fearing failure – even in basic things like speaking up in class.

Manifestations in Adulthood

Unfortunately, these children have only dealt with the tip of the iceberg. The reality of this environment hits them in their adulthood, where they struggle both internally and externally. Internal dysfunction appears in the form of low self-worth, chronic people-pleasing and difficulty in sharing their needs. Getting involved in external conflicts is met by quick tempers, aggressive reactions and power struggles in relationships. As a result, these behavioural problems invite several mental health issues for them (Afifi et al., 2012). For example, take the case of a young adult who grew up being scolded for crying. In their 20s, they might find it difficult to open up emotionally in relationships, fearing judgement or rejection. This often leads to emotional distance or outbursts they don’t know how to manage.

Today’s Paradigm Shift

These days, people view parenthood as more than just a phase in life. Parents or primary caretakers are more thoughtful, conscious, and aware and, most importantly, strive to be emotionally intelligent. New or old, parents are trying to bridge the gap they now see to be apparent and are much more vocal and aware. Interestingly, studies highlight that resilience in children is nurtured by connection and not correction, thereby showcasing the magnitude of supportive environments (Harvard Center on the Developing Child, n.d.).

Alternative Approaches

Parents can adopt other successful child-friendly ways:

  1. By implementing logical consequences and using respectful communication, parents can help their child comprehend their actions and implications. This gentle discipline would not be feared if taken, albeit begrudgingly.
  2. Helping children to identify, manage and thus regulate their emotions would go a long way in encouraging them to understand their own behaviours while also channeling them through such experiences (Gottman Institute, n.d.).

We must remember that as parents, our first step should be to regulate our emotions before addressing our child’s misbehaviour or tantrum. Losing composure or perhaps mimicking what we have seen before can cause confusion or instability in grasping the rules  Positive discipline is a much more gentle way of instilling kindness, connection and trust while crossing all hurdles efficiently (Brown & Nelson, 2020).

Conclusion

We must recognise that perpetuating harsh punishments is not only hazardous to a child’s safety but also not at all obligatory. We don’t have to fall back or follow infamous patterns but simply choose to embrace informed ways where change would be seen holistically – for both the parent and the child.

References

Afifi, T. O., Mota, N. P., Dasiewicz, P., MacMillan, H. L., & Sareen, J. (2012). Physical punishment and mental disorders: Results from a nationally representative US sample. Pediatrics, 130(2), 184–192. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2011-2947

 

Brown, A., & Nelsen, J. (2020, December 21). How to practice positive discipline at home. Parents. https://www.parents.com/kids/discipline/strategies/how-to-practice-positive-discipline-at-home/

 

Burke Harris, N. (2014, September). How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime [Video]. TED Conferences.
https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_ a_lifetime

 

Center on the Developing Child. (n.d.). Toxic stress. Harvard University. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/toxic-stress/

 

Gottman Institute. (n.d.). An introduction to emotion coaching. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/

 

Maté, G. (2023, April 12). The trauma doctor: Gabor Maté on happiness, hope and how to heal our deepest wounds. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/12/the- trauma-doctor-gabor-mate-on-happiness-hope-and-how-to-heal-our-deepest-wounds

 

Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Delacorte Press.

 

World Health Organization. (2021). Corporal punishment and health. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/corporal-punishment-and-health